Mr. and Mrs. Kearney

Mal's wedding was this weekend, and it was SO BEAUTIFUL! The whole thing was just wonderful. I had such a great time. And I caught the bouquet!!!!!!!!! The guy that caught the garter was SO CUTE! He, unfortunately, came with a girlfriend that I had known from high school. But we both totally played up the whole thing. The garter was a REDSKINS garter!! I couldn't believe it...half of me wanted to throw it across the room and say "YUCK!!"

So funny...and so embarrassing!

I, of course, forgot my camera at home on my desk where I was charging the battery...so no pictures with the bride yet. Her photographer took one of her and I after I caught the bouquet, so when I see it, I'll put it up. She looked so gorgeous...she's a very pretty girl, but she was just stunning. The best part of the whole thing - I didn't get nervous! At all! I don't know why I dread these things so much...I always end up having a good time! I had a couple drinks, danced a lot, and ate a lot, and got to catch up with some old friends. It was definitely a good time. :)

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Kearney!!!!!

Fall is here!

This post is definitely a happy one! :) I went to Mal's bachelorette party and ended up having SO much fun. I missed those girls so much. I didn't feel nervous at all while I was out. Throughout the day, I had thoughts of just texting Mal and Emily and saying that I was sick and couldn't make it. But I pushed through it, got pretty, and went. We met at Em's house at 7, and had food, presents, and pictures until about 9:30. I only had one drink, so I offered to drive some of the girls to the bars. I was feeling pretty good and decided to at least go to one bar with all of them. So we went to the first place and I had a couple of diet cokes. We only stayed there for a little while, then we went to another place called Cha-Cha's. We sang and danced and had our own little "VIP" area. Before I knew it, it was time to hit another bar and it was already 12:30. I decided to call it a night then, gave the bride a big hug and told everyone I'd see them at the wedding. I feel like this night was a HUGE success for me. I wasn't even going to go at first, and I went and actually had a great time. Definitely a confidence booster for me. Now I can't wait to see everyone at the wedding. :)



All of us :)

Our VIP section

My favorite picture!

I've been feeling pretty good lately. At my last appointment, the counselor said she saw a lot of depression in my personality test. I don't really feel depressed, but I wasn't shocked. I'm a 24-year-old girl without a lot of friends, no boyfriend, and still living at home with my parents. So I'm sure I do have some degree of depression. I have been feeling a lot better lately, though. No anxiety attacks or anxious feelings. My next appointment is October 12th.

One thing my counselor told me to do was exercise. A couple years ago I was a huge gym junkie, I went every day, and I was the smallest I've ever been. But after graduation, I got lazy and stopped going. Until lately, I just haven't had the energy to go. But my dad and I joined a new gym, so I'm going to start going as much as possible. Hopefully this will get rid of excess nervous energy and I'll feel even better (and look even better - my clothes haven't fit for awhile!)

So, good things are happening! :) And the weather is getting cooler - fall is my favorite time of year! Time to break out the boots!

Parties and Pups

On Saturday, I'm going to my friend's bachelorette party. I don't really speak with any of the girls that are going that much anymore...we all just kind of fell out of touch. When I got the invitation for it, my immediate thought was, "I'm definitely not going to this." I don't like to go places where I feel "trapped," or like I couldn't just leave if I wanted to. But after thinking it over and talking to my mom, I decided to go for at least some of it. I truly do miss these girls, and I think that by going to the party, it would open some doors for us to get back in touch with each other. I think the plan is to meet at her sister's house and then go somewhere for snacks, drinks, and games. Then go bar-hopping downtown. I'm not a big drinker, and I'm not allowed to drink while taking the Klonopin anyway, so I'm going to drive myself and stay for as long as I feel I can. I told her sister (she's hosting the party) that I had to work the next morning because my boss had a big trial on Monday and we needed to get together to prepare for it. So, I've given myself an out if I need one. The anticipation is the worst part...I might even have a good time and not want to leave. Plus, my friend knows what's going on...I told her why I couldn't read at the wedding, so she'll probably know why I may leave early.

Everything else has been going pretty well. Layla and I have definitely bonded. She's so sweet and cute. I've gotten over the "overwhelming" phase, and now I can't imagine her not being around. Poor Lily is having some health problems. She's had problems with what we thought was her shoulder, but one of her back legs has started dragging a little bit. My mom took her to the vet, and they did bloodwork, which all came out clean. He said it was probably a neurological problem - a tumor, a stroke, a blood clot - that caused her to be stiff. Just taking her to a specialist to find out what's wrong would cost $3,000. But the doc said she wasn't in any pain and she's happy, so that's good. It would be horrible if we didn't know what was wrong and she was hurting. She's been taking some steroids in case it's some kind of inflammation and seems to be doing a little better.

I've been getting busier at work, which is good. It takes my mind off of myself and allows me to concentrate on something else. I'm working 4 days a week now, but not this week - I was sick in my stomach today and had to call in sick. I don't think it was related to anything with my anxiety. I was definitely bored all day and would have rather been at work! When I come home from work, I don't really have that much to do. I walk Layla and that's pretty much it. I read a lot and now I'll be watching more TV since my shows are all coming back on. :) But I wish I had something else to do. That goes for weekends, too - Kelsey works and I'm sick of going places with my parents. Not that I don't love them, but I just spend so much time around them already. Kelsey told me about a group of people that have dogs under 15 lbs that meet on the first Saturday of every month. I might go to the next one since Layla definitely fits that criteria. I used to make cupcakes all the time, but I've kind of lost interest - the last ones I've made haven't been that great.

I see my counselor again on Thursday. I had to take this really, really long personality test that will kind of diagnose me I think. So hopefully she'll have the results of that and we can figure some stuff out!!

Appointment

I went to my first appointment today with the counselor. Of course, I start crying 5 minutes in. She mostly asked about my family and why I decided to make an appointment with her. I had to take a personality test that took forever, but will help her decide what in the world to do with me. :) She said during our next appointment, which isn't until the 23rd, we would get into my history with my anxiety. That should be so fun. But, it felt cathartic to talk about it.

My parents haven't been getting along very well. We moved down to Richmond two years ago, and my dad continues to work in Northern VA, so he drives up there 2 or 3 times a week. He always says he hates it here and blames my mom for bringing us down here. He wants to move back. He said if he could find somewhere to live up there, he would be "long gone." It makes me sad that he doesn't want to live with us anymore. My mom said she doesn't want to move back there, and she shouldn't have to. I think he's being selfish. He wants my mom to find a job. She's resorted to going to a job fair for a nursing home just to please him. It makes me so angry that we all have to cater to him. I wish he would go to a doctor and get on an antidepressant...I think it would really help him. But he refuses to believe that something is wrong with him. It has gotten to the point where when he's home, everyone is so tense because we're all afraid he's going to lash out about something. I don't know what will happen. My mom said maybe it's better that he leaves. But I don't want her to worry about growing old alone. It just isn't fair to her. But this isn't any way to live, either. It's like walking on eggshells around him. Most of the time, I can let it go in one ear and out the other, but I take it personally when he says he doesn't want to live with us anymore.

Layla is doing well...she's calmed down a bit and has been sleeping better. I took her to work the other day and she was such a good girl. But I don't want to bring her every day because whenever I get up, she gets up, too. So she'll stay in her crate or my mom will let her out when I'm not here. We're getting more used to each other, and I'm feeling less guilty about abandoning Lily. She seems to be doing fine with her, too. She got a haircut, finally!



So,that's it. It's been an emotionally exhausting day. I'm ready for the weekend!

Postpartum

I think I have postpartum depression.

Today is day two with Miss Layla. She's the sweetest little thing. She follows me EVERYWHERE and wants to be in my lap all the time. She slept well in her crate, but Lily didn't...she kept looking at Layla's crate all night and was up and down off the bed. I feel so bad for her...I knew she would be effected by bringing a new dog into the house, but I didn't want her to be negatively effected. The poor thing looks so jealous sometimes. And I miss her. She was (and still is) my baby. She was the only one that got attention. Now I have to give this new dog all of my attention. It's hard to balance between the two.

I definitely feel overwhelmed. I've never had something that has depended on me for everything. My mom takes care of Lily during the day and feeds her every night. But I have to do everything for this new dog. It just feels strange to be responsible for something. There are times throughout the day when I just want the dog to go away and leave me alone because she's ALWAYS there. And I feel so guilty that I feel that way because she didn't have a good life before she came here, and I think she's having such a great time here. I've felt a little anxious while she's been here because it's something new, even though I should feel excited and happy that I have a new, cute little dog. And I am, most of the time. I guess it will just take some getting used to.

My parents are going away tomorrow to see my dad's parents. I'm not used to being in the house at night without one of them there. I'm really not looking forward to it, especially now because I feel anxious about the dog. And anxious about them going. Just anxious all around! Hopefully it will get better as the days go by and the dog gets used to being here. I can already tell a huge difference in how happy she is from yesterday. As soon as she got out of her crate this morning, she was ready to go.

I bought a 2,000 piece puzzle today. I'm such a dork, I know. But I've always liked puzzles, and this one was of Times Square in NYC. I think I severely underestimated the size of the thing. It's going to be huge and it's going to take forever. But at least it will keep my mind off of myself for awhile.

Gotta go now...the pup has fallen asleep in my bed - a big no-no! I'm trying to keep her away from the bed because that is Lily's place. She's quite a handful!

Layla

Look at me, almost updating daily! Well, today I went and got Layla!! She's so sweet, so small, and soooo cute! This is Layla:



She looks a little scraggly there. She got a bath from Petsmart and a clean bill of health from the vet. Lily seems to be okay with her. She gave her lots of kisses when we brought her into the house.



I do feel extremely guilty. I feel so bad that Lily has gotten everyone's attention for so long, and all of a sudden, this new dog has been brought into her life and is getting all the attention. I'm sure the new-ness will wear off soon. I still plan on having Lily sleep with me and Layla sleep in a crate...her previous owner said she was crate-trained. So, we'll see how night one goes!

I'm Getting A Puppy!!!!!

Finally, some good news!!! Today, my mom sent me an e-mail from one of her friends who was trying to find a new family for a sweet little dog named Layla. Layla lives with a family that has a four year old who torments the dog to death. The woman only took the dog in because the person she got it from was going to just keep breeding her. So, tomorrow I get to go meet the woman and see Layla and hopefully bring her home with me!! :) I do feel guilty about getting a puppy when Lily has been the only dog for so long. But hopefully, she can continue to sleep in my bed and the puppy (who is crate-trained) will sleep in a crate at night. So Lily won't feel too left out. Lily also loooooves my mom, so she'd probably rather be with her anyway. I'll post pictures of the little one when I get her.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor on Monday morning. She let me call in to talk to her instead of having a regular appointment since it is so expensive for me to actually go in for a visit. I told her that I wasn't doing great, and after talking it over with her, we decided that I should take a whole Klonopin at night before I go to sleep, since they are longer-lasting than Xanax. That way, I would wake up in a better mood. Then, I could take a half of one in the afternoon. So far, it's been working I think. I feel a little better. Now this little puppy will keep my mind busy for sure!

One week until my appointment with the counselor. Crossing my fingers it goes well!!

<3
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