Rescheduled

So, turns out my appointment was made with the wrong doctor. There was a Dr. Nelson, and a LCSW named Susan Nelson. I wanted my appointment with Susan Nelson, but my appointment was scheduled with Dr. Nelson. He's a psychiatrist and a man, so I'd rather not see him. My new appointment is September 9th. I was so disappointed that I burst into tears after leaving the office. I was just so ready to start to get a handle on things, and now I have to wait 2 more weeks. Oh, well. Good things come to those who wait!

Seeing a counselor

So, after a not-so-good night on Monday, I made an appointment to see a counselor on Thursday. I had a panic attack on Monday night, which included me getting sick for the first time in a long time. When I was younger, around middle school age, I would throw up every night. I didn't know then that it was from being anxious, but the other night reminded me of that. I just got so wrapped up in my own head. I think most of the time I think myself into a panic attack. I worry about having one, which makes me have one. I took one of my Klonopins and finally relaxed about an hour later. Ever since then, I've been taking half a Klonopin twice a day. It seems to help calm me down a lot.

I went to the gym yesterday afternoon after work. My mom thought it would be good for me to start exercising again to get rid of some of my nervous energy. So, I'm going to start going a couple of times a week. It seems like I get most anxious when my mind is free to wander, so I'm going to try to keep busy after work. I'm gonna try to get my mom or sister to take walks with me after I get home. I think I'm also going to start cooking dinner to keep me occupied after I get home. I want to try to keep my mind as busy as possible so I don't have room for anxious thoughts.

I got nice e-mails from two of my friends and my aunt, who went through the same thing I did. She gave me the name of her counselor that really helped her because she went through panic attacks herself. So, if the one I'm going to on Thursday doesn't work out, I'll try her. She's in Fredericksburg, so it's a bit of a drive, but I wouldn't mind doing it if it would help.

Will check in tomorrow after my appointment!

Failure to Launch

So, I said before that I was going to be reading at my friend's wedding in October. Well, not anymore. Today, I decided that since my anxiety is so unpredictable right now, it probably would be best if I didn't do it. I feel horrible because it's less than 2 months to the wedding, but I don't want to do anything to mess up her day - which includes fainting while trying to do the reading! I'm so sad that I can't do it...I like to think that I COULD do it, but it wouldn't be fair to her if at the last minute I bailed. She was very understanding about it, and always has been about my anxiety. I'll still go to the wedding and see her get married and bawl my eyeballs out. I'm just so sick of this stupid anxiety controlling everything I do. I'm still thinking about seeing a counselor...I probably should just bite the bullet and do it. I've seen one before and I felt like it hasn't helped much. But now that I'm older, maybe it would be different. Maybe I'll call on Thursday when I'm off of work...

Long time, no see

Wow, I'm a really crappy blogger. It's been more than a month since I last updated this thing. Unfortunately, it hasn't been the easiest month I've ever had.

Everything was going well until I left for vacation. I didn't get nervous at all on the car ride down, or the first night there. However, the second day we were there, we went to Sea World. We went on one of those 3-D rides where the seat moves under you. As soon as I buckled the belt, I felt sick. I spent the entire ride thinking, "I need to get off this thing!" When it FINALLY ended, I thought I was going to pass out. I got so upset about getting upset that I started having a panic attack in the middle of Sea World! We went to watch the Shamu show after that, but I had a hard time getting myself under control. I cried a little bit and continued to feel dizzy, but somehow I made it through the rest of the day, but I didn't get to enjoy myself.

I think that's what set off this recent bout of anxiety. A couple of times when we were in line for rides, I would feel sick and dizzy and lightheaded. I was miserable for most of the time when we were at the parks. I didn't even ride any roller coasters, and I love roller coasters! :( So, not a great vacation.

After we got back, I called the doctor and made another appointment to go in and let her know what happened. She said I should go back to the 10mg of Lexapro, since I only upped the dose because I was anticipating something that could happen. She also gave me a prescription called Klonopin, which is in the same family as Xanax, but it isn't as strong. She said I could take that as needed when I knew I was going to do something that would make me anxious.

That doctor's appointment was two and a half weeks ago. Since then, I've felt anxious almost all of the time. I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm afraid of something but there's nothing to be afraid of! It's exhausting. I went out to lunch with my co-workers the other day and felt light-headed at the table. As soon as we got back to the office, I felt like I was going to be sick and I had to leave early. I had been taking half of a Klonopin every day just so I could go to work. I don't know if it's a side effect of lowering the dose or what. I called the doctor yesterday and she said to take a whole Klonopin once a day until I felt better.

I gave up caffeine, too. I'm a big coffee drinker - I've been drinking at least a cup a day for a couple of years. Two days ago, I decided to give it up because I thought it was making me even more nervous and jittery. I felt good today - I didn't take any Klonopin and didn't have any coffee. But I am sooooo tired. I know it's from the lack of caffeine. I might start drinking a soda in the mornings just to give me a little caffeine fix.

The doctor gave me some names of some counselors. I'm just wary to go to one because they haven't really worked in the past. I know I should talk to someone about all of these issues because I feel like I'm never going to be able to move on with my life if I don't figure out a way to get this all under control. Maybe next week I'll call one and make an appointment.

Pretty long update...I wish it was with better news. :( It's been a long month but hopefully it will start getting better. Oh, and I did have a birthday during my little absence. I'm 24 now! Hard to believe...I never thought I'd be this "old." I can still remember when I was little and my aunt was in her 20's...I thought she was the coolest person EVER. I wish there was someone who thought I was the coolest person ever! :)