Do one thing every day that scares you.

My name is Ashley and I have a panic disorder.

I'm a 23 year old recent college graduate living in Richmond, VA. I moved to Richmond last June after living in Manassas, VA for my entire life. I had lived in the same part of town since I was 2 years old. I had the same family, the same friends, even the same dog for most of my life in Manassas. I grew up with a sister that was only 15 months younger than me. We were inseparable as children and barely tolerated each other as teenagers. My parents and I have always been very close; my mom and I especially. My mom also has a panic disorder.

My first experience with a panic attack was not an attack of my own. When I was very young, my mom had panic attacks. I had no idea what they were at the time - I thought she was just sick. Her panic attacks lead to her throwing up most of the time. The first one I can remember was bad enough that my grandparents came to our house to watch my sister and I while my dad took my mom to the hospital. My sister and I were scared and crying because we didn't really understand what was going on. But Mom came back home soon after that and everything was fine.

I never wanted to go to school on the first day. I cried and threw up on most of the first days of school that I've had - including those in college. Being away from my mom for 6 hours seemed unbearable when I was young. However, once I got past the first day, I was always fine. I did well in school and had a lot of friends. I went to the same elementary school with the same kids from kindergarten until the 6th grade. Some first days of school were easier than others, but there was usually some type of anxiety involved.

My first full-blown panic attack came when I was about 6 or 7. My sister and I were going to go to 4-H camp at the fairgrounds during the summer for one week. It was only 3 hours a day, and a bunch of other kids that we were friends with had been going for a couple of years. When we arrived at the fairgrounds, my sister and I checked in with our counselor and my mom kissed us goodbye. I remember sitting down with all the other kids and I wanted my mom so badly. I looked to the end of the barn and she was standing there, making sure we got situated and everything. I just started bawling and ran over to my mom and wrapped my arms around her legs. My sister was right behind me. My mom told us it was okay, and that it would be fun and we would be fine. She walked us back to our seats, but I felt like I just couldn't stay there. I ran back to my mom and cried and cried. This time, my sister didn't follow me. She began to calm down and realized that she would be okay and it would be fun. But I just somehow could not see it. I didn't want to be away from my mom - three hours seemed like an eternity to me. One of the counselor's even offered to stay with just me for the day. But I would not let go of my mom. She took me home and we tried again the next day, which resulted in me throwing up in the parking lot. My mom brought me home and told me for the three hours that my sister was at camp, I would be in my room. That week came and went, and after it was over, my sister and I continued to play outside every day with our neighbors for the rest of the summer.

Going to middle school wasn't horrible, and I don't remember having any anxiety during it. Starting high school was nerve-wracking, but I knew the same people I was going to middle school with would be the same people I'd be going to high school with. I became best friends with a girl in the 7th grade that would be my best friend through college. I ran track in middle school, and cheerleading and swimming in high school. I wasn't the most popular girl, but I had a lot of friends. My senior year of high school was awesome - I had a group of around 12 people that I hung out with every Friday and Saturday night. We all went to prom together, we went on trips together, and went to the beach for Beach Week together.

Senior year of high school meant deciding where you were going to go to college. I wanted to go to Christopher Newport University since I visited it. The campus was beautiful, it was small, and it was next to the beach and about 2 and 1/2 hours away from home. However, my three best girlfriends had decided to go to Radford University, which was 4 hours away from home and a little bigger. I had been to Radford before and didn't really fall in love with it like I did with CNU. Even though I knew I wasn't going to college with my best friends, I was still very excited in the beginning. I was going to be roommates with a girl that I met through friends. She was so nice and we got along really well together. We hung out a couple of times before we left for school and went shopping with our moms for dorm room stuff. I think after my first trip shopping was when it hit me that I wasn't going to be living at my house anymore. I wouldn't see my parents and my sister every day. I would be doing things on my own, making my own decisions, going to class without anyone telling me to. I got so overwhelmed by the whole shopping experience that I just bawled like a baby on our way home. I wanted to go to college so bad so prove that I could do it...that I could be on my own and be successful. Unfortunately, this episode was only the start of my disastrous college "experience."

I left for school before my friends. I was glad, because then I didn't have to wait around and miss them while I waited to leave. The night I said goodbye to my girls was just unbearable. It was especially hard saying goodbye to my best friend. We had seen each other almost every day for 6 years. We did EVERYTHING together...we worked together, got tattoos together...we even got our first kisses on the same weekend! I didn't know how I was going to live without her. But, I said goodbye to my friends, and we all cried and hugged and said we'd see each other soon. We promised we would call and IM every day. As horrible as saying goodbye to my friends was, I knew it was going to get worse because I still had to say goodbye to my family.

The night before my parents were going to drive me down to school, I freaked out. I got so nervous and overwhelmed by everything. I started shaking and crying and I told my mom that I couldn't do it, that I didn't know what I was thinking going to a school that was over 2 hours away. My mom told me that it was my decision, and that if I decided I didn't want to go, I had to go and tell my dad. I knew it wasn't an option not to go. Everyone, including me, wanted me to go. I was sick and cried the whole night. My mom had to sleep in the bed with her 18-year-old daughter because she didn't want to go to school.

But, we left the house at 5am the next morning with all of my stuff in the back of the van. I cried silently the whole way there. I remember wearing my sunglasses and trying to fool my parents into thinking that I wasn't. When we got there, my roommate was already there with her family and her best friend. I bought on my brave face and started putting stuff together. Every so often my eyes would well up with tears because I kept thinking that my parents had to leave soon. When my dad said they were going to leave, and I just started bawling. I didn't want them to go. I wanted to grab my mom's arm and not let her leave. But they did, and when I was alone in my dorm room, I cried.

The first couple of days weren't so bad...we were always busy because we were going to events for Welcome Week. Then classes started. I've always been a great student and I enjoy learning new stuff and getting good grades. But I had zero desire to go to any of the classes I had registered for. But I went to my classes on the first day and got through them. I didn't want to do any homework (which had never been a problem for me before). The nights were the worst. I remember my roommate went out with some of her friends from high school and she asked if I wanted to go. But I told her no, that I had a headache. But I really just didn't want to leave the room. I missed my family and my friends so bad. We had talked on IM all the time and I knew I wasn't missing anything back at home. But I just wanted to be there. On the 7th day of being at school, I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home. I just couldn't stand being away from my home and my family and everything I knew. I felt like a complete and utter failure. My mom told me they would come pick me up at the end of the week, but I couldn't even wait that long. I told them if they didn't come get me the next day, I would pack a suitcase and get on the bus.

Telling my roommate was awful. She was nothing but nice and I think we could have been really good friends. She didn't understand why I was leaving...I know she missed her parents and her friends too. But I just felt like if I spent one more minute there, I would die. My parents came and got me the next day. We packed up all the stuff we had just unpacked a week before. My dad didn't speak to me. I had lost 10 pounds in 8 days because I hardly ate while I was there. The ride home was awful, but I also felt relieved. I knew I would be going back to everything I knew.

It didn't really hit me until I was back in my old bedroom that I had no idea what I was going to do. For days, I just laid around and did nothing. My mom told me that that wasn't gonna fly. She said I was either going to go to school or I was going to find a job. I had thankfully applied to and was accepted by a university about 40 minutes away from my house. We drove there, explained the situation, and I was registered for three classes by the end of the day. I refused to take any classes at the main campus, which had about 20,000 students. I took classes at the "campus" that was 5 minutes from my house and across the street from the job I had worked at during high school.

I felt like the worst person ever. I let everyone down, including myself. Having to explain to everyone why I decided to leave Christopher Newport was horrible. I was so embarrassed because people just didn't understand. I wish that I had decided to commute to school in the first place. Today, I honestly believe that if I had never gone to CNU and had this whole disaster happened, I would be a completely different person than I am today. I had completely shut down. I didn't want to do anything except drive the 5 minutes to school, go to class, and drive 5 minutes home. That was my life for 4 years, although I eventually started taking classes at the main campus. However, I had panic attacks on the first day of every semester.

On the first day of one semester, I drove the entire 45 minutes to campus and couldn't get out of the car. I physically could not open the door. I turned the car around and drove right back home. I called my mom and told her I wasn't going to school, that I couldn't do it. I told her I'd work at the Freedom Center, where I worked during high school, 40 hours a week and be a lifeguard. My mom told me I was being ridiculous and that I was going to school. Today, I look back and I'm glad she kicked my ass into gear, because I couldn't be a lifeguard for the rest of my life. But then, it seemed like a cruel punishment. But the next day, I drove myself back up there and forced myself to go to class. And I did, and every day after that was fine.

I've had tons of panic attacks. I can't really remember not having them. There are so many things that I haven't done because of them. I was going to be a server at a restaurant, but the second day of orientation I threw up in the bathroom and walked out. I didn't sleep over at friends' houses because I was afraid I might have a panic attack. If I had been drinking and was out late, I'd call my mom or my sister and they would come pick me up at 2 in the morning just so I wouldn't have to spend the night.

I moved to Richmond in June of last year with my parents. I thought it would be a fresh start, an opportunity to be a different person. I wanted to be a confident girl who could smile at anything and anybody. I was going to start at a new, bigger university. I would be going to school with my sister who had just finished her freshmen year. I would be living near my best friend, who had moved to Richmond after college to live with her boyfriend. I was totally excited about it. The move went smooth and I had no anxiety about moving into a new house because I was doing it with my family. I thought the anxiety would just magically go away.

One of my best friends was going to get married in the Outer Banks, a beach in NC that I've been to many times. It's about 4 hours away from Richmond. I wasn't in the wedding, but I was going to go down to the beach the weekend of the wedding and stay with my friends. I could only go for 2 days because I was taking summer classes and couldn't miss any. I arrived on Friday and went to the beach with my friends. When we came back from the beach and everyone started getting ready for the night, I could feel the anxiety start creeping back in. As soon as that happened, I immediately wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there for another minute. I called my mom crying and she told me to just tell them I had a headache and lay down. The wedding was the next day, and the day after that I would be able to come home. I know my friends thought I was crazy because I didn't want to drink and have fun with them the night before the wedding. But I just couldn't...I laid in bed, crying until I fell asleep. The next day, we went to the wedding and it was beautiful and then we went to the reception. I was planning on staying that night as well, but by the time I got to the reception, I had told myself I was leaving that night. I stayed for the dinner, dancing, and cutting of the cake...but by 9:30 that night, I was on the road back home.

I've lost friends over this. I barely spoke to any of them after I left the wedding because I know they thought I was being ridiculous about being away from home for any length of time. They didn't understand the way I was feeling, and I don't blame them. I'd think I was weird, too. I mean, what kind of person doesn't want to see their friends and have fun? My best friend from high school is getting married in October. She didn't ask me to be in the wedding, and I know it's because of all the times I've cried about being away from home, or didn't go somewhere because I was anxious. It breaks my heart that I'm not going to be in her wedding. She has been a huge influence on my life, and the best friend that I have ever had.

I've been on medication for anxiety for years. I've been on several different kinds, and none have really helped. My anxiety has kept me from doing so many things. I still live at home with my parents because I haven't had the courage to move out. However, I am planning on moving to an apartment with my sister once she graduates from college.

There are so many things that I want to do, but feel like I can't because of my anxiety. So the purpose of this blog is to help myself get control over it. I know it won't ever go away completely, but hopefully I can get to the point where it doesn't influence my decisions. I've been to therapists before, but none have really helped. I'm thinking about trying to someone to talk to about my anxiety. It's very daunting, but if it will help, it will be worth it.

The title of this blog is You Must Do The Things You Think You Cannot Do. It's from my favorite quote: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'" That is my goal. I want to do everything that I think I can't. I want to be able to go out and have a good time and sleep over somewhere without worrying about having an anxiety attack. I want to go on trips and not wish I was back at home. I want to get a job, work 8 hours a day and make money so I can support myself. I want to make new friends and fall in love and get married. But right now, I'm just going to focus on the day-to-day. As Eleanor Roosevelt says - "Do one thing every day that scares you."

I'm definitely not a writer by any means - ask my sister. I had her help me on my college papers. :) But I thought that writing down my experiences and the way I felt would help me to conquer my fears. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this. It does feel good to put it out there for anyone to read, though...very liberating. I've always been a shy girl, and this is a way to express my feelings with some anonymity. I'll end this epic blog post here because this has gotten way too long and now you all know my life story. But I feel like this is a good first step. I've never written in any kind of journal before, and I don't really have any creative way to express myself. Hopefully this will help me be able to do that and track my progress. Every little bit counts. :)