Mr. and Mrs. Kearney

Mal's wedding was this weekend, and it was SO BEAUTIFUL! The whole thing was just wonderful. I had such a great time. And I caught the bouquet!!!!!!!!! The guy that caught the garter was SO CUTE! He, unfortunately, came with a girlfriend that I had known from high school. But we both totally played up the whole thing. The garter was a REDSKINS garter!! I couldn't believe it...half of me wanted to throw it across the room and say "YUCK!!"

So funny...and so embarrassing!

I, of course, forgot my camera at home on my desk where I was charging the battery...so no pictures with the bride yet. Her photographer took one of her and I after I caught the bouquet, so when I see it, I'll put it up. She looked so gorgeous...she's a very pretty girl, but she was just stunning. The best part of the whole thing - I didn't get nervous! At all! I don't know why I dread these things so much...I always end up having a good time! I had a couple drinks, danced a lot, and ate a lot, and got to catch up with some old friends. It was definitely a good time. :)

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Kearney!!!!!

Fall is here!

This post is definitely a happy one! :) I went to Mal's bachelorette party and ended up having SO much fun. I missed those girls so much. I didn't feel nervous at all while I was out. Throughout the day, I had thoughts of just texting Mal and Emily and saying that I was sick and couldn't make it. But I pushed through it, got pretty, and went. We met at Em's house at 7, and had food, presents, and pictures until about 9:30. I only had one drink, so I offered to drive some of the girls to the bars. I was feeling pretty good and decided to at least go to one bar with all of them. So we went to the first place and I had a couple of diet cokes. We only stayed there for a little while, then we went to another place called Cha-Cha's. We sang and danced and had our own little "VIP" area. Before I knew it, it was time to hit another bar and it was already 12:30. I decided to call it a night then, gave the bride a big hug and told everyone I'd see them at the wedding. I feel like this night was a HUGE success for me. I wasn't even going to go at first, and I went and actually had a great time. Definitely a confidence booster for me. Now I can't wait to see everyone at the wedding. :)



All of us :)

Our VIP section

My favorite picture!

I've been feeling pretty good lately. At my last appointment, the counselor said she saw a lot of depression in my personality test. I don't really feel depressed, but I wasn't shocked. I'm a 24-year-old girl without a lot of friends, no boyfriend, and still living at home with my parents. So I'm sure I do have some degree of depression. I have been feeling a lot better lately, though. No anxiety attacks or anxious feelings. My next appointment is October 12th.

One thing my counselor told me to do was exercise. A couple years ago I was a huge gym junkie, I went every day, and I was the smallest I've ever been. But after graduation, I got lazy and stopped going. Until lately, I just haven't had the energy to go. But my dad and I joined a new gym, so I'm going to start going as much as possible. Hopefully this will get rid of excess nervous energy and I'll feel even better (and look even better - my clothes haven't fit for awhile!)

So, good things are happening! :) And the weather is getting cooler - fall is my favorite time of year! Time to break out the boots!

Parties and Pups

On Saturday, I'm going to my friend's bachelorette party. I don't really speak with any of the girls that are going that much anymore...we all just kind of fell out of touch. When I got the invitation for it, my immediate thought was, "I'm definitely not going to this." I don't like to go places where I feel "trapped," or like I couldn't just leave if I wanted to. But after thinking it over and talking to my mom, I decided to go for at least some of it. I truly do miss these girls, and I think that by going to the party, it would open some doors for us to get back in touch with each other. I think the plan is to meet at her sister's house and then go somewhere for snacks, drinks, and games. Then go bar-hopping downtown. I'm not a big drinker, and I'm not allowed to drink while taking the Klonopin anyway, so I'm going to drive myself and stay for as long as I feel I can. I told her sister (she's hosting the party) that I had to work the next morning because my boss had a big trial on Monday and we needed to get together to prepare for it. So, I've given myself an out if I need one. The anticipation is the worst part...I might even have a good time and not want to leave. Plus, my friend knows what's going on...I told her why I couldn't read at the wedding, so she'll probably know why I may leave early.

Everything else has been going pretty well. Layla and I have definitely bonded. She's so sweet and cute. I've gotten over the "overwhelming" phase, and now I can't imagine her not being around. Poor Lily is having some health problems. She's had problems with what we thought was her shoulder, but one of her back legs has started dragging a little bit. My mom took her to the vet, and they did bloodwork, which all came out clean. He said it was probably a neurological problem - a tumor, a stroke, a blood clot - that caused her to be stiff. Just taking her to a specialist to find out what's wrong would cost $3,000. But the doc said she wasn't in any pain and she's happy, so that's good. It would be horrible if we didn't know what was wrong and she was hurting. She's been taking some steroids in case it's some kind of inflammation and seems to be doing a little better.

I've been getting busier at work, which is good. It takes my mind off of myself and allows me to concentrate on something else. I'm working 4 days a week now, but not this week - I was sick in my stomach today and had to call in sick. I don't think it was related to anything with my anxiety. I was definitely bored all day and would have rather been at work! When I come home from work, I don't really have that much to do. I walk Layla and that's pretty much it. I read a lot and now I'll be watching more TV since my shows are all coming back on. :) But I wish I had something else to do. That goes for weekends, too - Kelsey works and I'm sick of going places with my parents. Not that I don't love them, but I just spend so much time around them already. Kelsey told me about a group of people that have dogs under 15 lbs that meet on the first Saturday of every month. I might go to the next one since Layla definitely fits that criteria. I used to make cupcakes all the time, but I've kind of lost interest - the last ones I've made haven't been that great.

I see my counselor again on Thursday. I had to take this really, really long personality test that will kind of diagnose me I think. So hopefully she'll have the results of that and we can figure some stuff out!!

Appointment

I went to my first appointment today with the counselor. Of course, I start crying 5 minutes in. She mostly asked about my family and why I decided to make an appointment with her. I had to take a personality test that took forever, but will help her decide what in the world to do with me. :) She said during our next appointment, which isn't until the 23rd, we would get into my history with my anxiety. That should be so fun. But, it felt cathartic to talk about it.

My parents haven't been getting along very well. We moved down to Richmond two years ago, and my dad continues to work in Northern VA, so he drives up there 2 or 3 times a week. He always says he hates it here and blames my mom for bringing us down here. He wants to move back. He said if he could find somewhere to live up there, he would be "long gone." It makes me sad that he doesn't want to live with us anymore. My mom said she doesn't want to move back there, and she shouldn't have to. I think he's being selfish. He wants my mom to find a job. She's resorted to going to a job fair for a nursing home just to please him. It makes me so angry that we all have to cater to him. I wish he would go to a doctor and get on an antidepressant...I think it would really help him. But he refuses to believe that something is wrong with him. It has gotten to the point where when he's home, everyone is so tense because we're all afraid he's going to lash out about something. I don't know what will happen. My mom said maybe it's better that he leaves. But I don't want her to worry about growing old alone. It just isn't fair to her. But this isn't any way to live, either. It's like walking on eggshells around him. Most of the time, I can let it go in one ear and out the other, but I take it personally when he says he doesn't want to live with us anymore.

Layla is doing well...she's calmed down a bit and has been sleeping better. I took her to work the other day and she was such a good girl. But I don't want to bring her every day because whenever I get up, she gets up, too. So she'll stay in her crate or my mom will let her out when I'm not here. We're getting more used to each other, and I'm feeling less guilty about abandoning Lily. She seems to be doing fine with her, too. She got a haircut, finally!



So,that's it. It's been an emotionally exhausting day. I'm ready for the weekend!

Postpartum

I think I have postpartum depression.

Today is day two with Miss Layla. She's the sweetest little thing. She follows me EVERYWHERE and wants to be in my lap all the time. She slept well in her crate, but Lily didn't...she kept looking at Layla's crate all night and was up and down off the bed. I feel so bad for her...I knew she would be effected by bringing a new dog into the house, but I didn't want her to be negatively effected. The poor thing looks so jealous sometimes. And I miss her. She was (and still is) my baby. She was the only one that got attention. Now I have to give this new dog all of my attention. It's hard to balance between the two.

I definitely feel overwhelmed. I've never had something that has depended on me for everything. My mom takes care of Lily during the day and feeds her every night. But I have to do everything for this new dog. It just feels strange to be responsible for something. There are times throughout the day when I just want the dog to go away and leave me alone because she's ALWAYS there. And I feel so guilty that I feel that way because she didn't have a good life before she came here, and I think she's having such a great time here. I've felt a little anxious while she's been here because it's something new, even though I should feel excited and happy that I have a new, cute little dog. And I am, most of the time. I guess it will just take some getting used to.

My parents are going away tomorrow to see my dad's parents. I'm not used to being in the house at night without one of them there. I'm really not looking forward to it, especially now because I feel anxious about the dog. And anxious about them going. Just anxious all around! Hopefully it will get better as the days go by and the dog gets used to being here. I can already tell a huge difference in how happy she is from yesterday. As soon as she got out of her crate this morning, she was ready to go.

I bought a 2,000 piece puzzle today. I'm such a dork, I know. But I've always liked puzzles, and this one was of Times Square in NYC. I think I severely underestimated the size of the thing. It's going to be huge and it's going to take forever. But at least it will keep my mind off of myself for awhile.

Gotta go now...the pup has fallen asleep in my bed - a big no-no! I'm trying to keep her away from the bed because that is Lily's place. She's quite a handful!

Layla

Look at me, almost updating daily! Well, today I went and got Layla!! She's so sweet, so small, and soooo cute! This is Layla:



She looks a little scraggly there. She got a bath from Petsmart and a clean bill of health from the vet. Lily seems to be okay with her. She gave her lots of kisses when we brought her into the house.



I do feel extremely guilty. I feel so bad that Lily has gotten everyone's attention for so long, and all of a sudden, this new dog has been brought into her life and is getting all the attention. I'm sure the new-ness will wear off soon. I still plan on having Lily sleep with me and Layla sleep in a crate...her previous owner said she was crate-trained. So, we'll see how night one goes!

I'm Getting A Puppy!!!!!

Finally, some good news!!! Today, my mom sent me an e-mail from one of her friends who was trying to find a new family for a sweet little dog named Layla. Layla lives with a family that has a four year old who torments the dog to death. The woman only took the dog in because the person she got it from was going to just keep breeding her. So, tomorrow I get to go meet the woman and see Layla and hopefully bring her home with me!! :) I do feel guilty about getting a puppy when Lily has been the only dog for so long. But hopefully, she can continue to sleep in my bed and the puppy (who is crate-trained) will sleep in a crate at night. So Lily won't feel too left out. Lily also loooooves my mom, so she'd probably rather be with her anyway. I'll post pictures of the little one when I get her.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor on Monday morning. She let me call in to talk to her instead of having a regular appointment since it is so expensive for me to actually go in for a visit. I told her that I wasn't doing great, and after talking it over with her, we decided that I should take a whole Klonopin at night before I go to sleep, since they are longer-lasting than Xanax. That way, I would wake up in a better mood. Then, I could take a half of one in the afternoon. So far, it's been working I think. I feel a little better. Now this little puppy will keep my mind busy for sure!

One week until my appointment with the counselor. Crossing my fingers it goes well!!

<3
N

Rescheduled

So, turns out my appointment was made with the wrong doctor. There was a Dr. Nelson, and a LCSW named Susan Nelson. I wanted my appointment with Susan Nelson, but my appointment was scheduled with Dr. Nelson. He's a psychiatrist and a man, so I'd rather not see him. My new appointment is September 9th. I was so disappointed that I burst into tears after leaving the office. I was just so ready to start to get a handle on things, and now I have to wait 2 more weeks. Oh, well. Good things come to those who wait!

Seeing a counselor

So, after a not-so-good night on Monday, I made an appointment to see a counselor on Thursday. I had a panic attack on Monday night, which included me getting sick for the first time in a long time. When I was younger, around middle school age, I would throw up every night. I didn't know then that it was from being anxious, but the other night reminded me of that. I just got so wrapped up in my own head. I think most of the time I think myself into a panic attack. I worry about having one, which makes me have one. I took one of my Klonopins and finally relaxed about an hour later. Ever since then, I've been taking half a Klonopin twice a day. It seems to help calm me down a lot.

I went to the gym yesterday afternoon after work. My mom thought it would be good for me to start exercising again to get rid of some of my nervous energy. So, I'm going to start going a couple of times a week. It seems like I get most anxious when my mind is free to wander, so I'm going to try to keep busy after work. I'm gonna try to get my mom or sister to take walks with me after I get home. I think I'm also going to start cooking dinner to keep me occupied after I get home. I want to try to keep my mind as busy as possible so I don't have room for anxious thoughts.

I got nice e-mails from two of my friends and my aunt, who went through the same thing I did. She gave me the name of her counselor that really helped her because she went through panic attacks herself. So, if the one I'm going to on Thursday doesn't work out, I'll try her. She's in Fredericksburg, so it's a bit of a drive, but I wouldn't mind doing it if it would help.

Will check in tomorrow after my appointment!

Failure to Launch

So, I said before that I was going to be reading at my friend's wedding in October. Well, not anymore. Today, I decided that since my anxiety is so unpredictable right now, it probably would be best if I didn't do it. I feel horrible because it's less than 2 months to the wedding, but I don't want to do anything to mess up her day - which includes fainting while trying to do the reading! I'm so sad that I can't do it...I like to think that I COULD do it, but it wouldn't be fair to her if at the last minute I bailed. She was very understanding about it, and always has been about my anxiety. I'll still go to the wedding and see her get married and bawl my eyeballs out. I'm just so sick of this stupid anxiety controlling everything I do. I'm still thinking about seeing a counselor...I probably should just bite the bullet and do it. I've seen one before and I felt like it hasn't helped much. But now that I'm older, maybe it would be different. Maybe I'll call on Thursday when I'm off of work...

Long time, no see

Wow, I'm a really crappy blogger. It's been more than a month since I last updated this thing. Unfortunately, it hasn't been the easiest month I've ever had.

Everything was going well until I left for vacation. I didn't get nervous at all on the car ride down, or the first night there. However, the second day we were there, we went to Sea World. We went on one of those 3-D rides where the seat moves under you. As soon as I buckled the belt, I felt sick. I spent the entire ride thinking, "I need to get off this thing!" When it FINALLY ended, I thought I was going to pass out. I got so upset about getting upset that I started having a panic attack in the middle of Sea World! We went to watch the Shamu show after that, but I had a hard time getting myself under control. I cried a little bit and continued to feel dizzy, but somehow I made it through the rest of the day, but I didn't get to enjoy myself.

I think that's what set off this recent bout of anxiety. A couple of times when we were in line for rides, I would feel sick and dizzy and lightheaded. I was miserable for most of the time when we were at the parks. I didn't even ride any roller coasters, and I love roller coasters! :( So, not a great vacation.

After we got back, I called the doctor and made another appointment to go in and let her know what happened. She said I should go back to the 10mg of Lexapro, since I only upped the dose because I was anticipating something that could happen. She also gave me a prescription called Klonopin, which is in the same family as Xanax, but it isn't as strong. She said I could take that as needed when I knew I was going to do something that would make me anxious.

That doctor's appointment was two and a half weeks ago. Since then, I've felt anxious almost all of the time. I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm afraid of something but there's nothing to be afraid of! It's exhausting. I went out to lunch with my co-workers the other day and felt light-headed at the table. As soon as we got back to the office, I felt like I was going to be sick and I had to leave early. I had been taking half of a Klonopin every day just so I could go to work. I don't know if it's a side effect of lowering the dose or what. I called the doctor yesterday and she said to take a whole Klonopin once a day until I felt better.

I gave up caffeine, too. I'm a big coffee drinker - I've been drinking at least a cup a day for a couple of years. Two days ago, I decided to give it up because I thought it was making me even more nervous and jittery. I felt good today - I didn't take any Klonopin and didn't have any coffee. But I am sooooo tired. I know it's from the lack of caffeine. I might start drinking a soda in the mornings just to give me a little caffeine fix.

The doctor gave me some names of some counselors. I'm just wary to go to one because they haven't really worked in the past. I know I should talk to someone about all of these issues because I feel like I'm never going to be able to move on with my life if I don't figure out a way to get this all under control. Maybe next week I'll call one and make an appointment.

Pretty long update...I wish it was with better news. :( It's been a long month but hopefully it will start getting better. Oh, and I did have a birthday during my little absence. I'm 24 now! Hard to believe...I never thought I'd be this "old." I can still remember when I was little and my aunt was in her 20's...I thought she was the coolest person EVER. I wish there was someone who thought I was the coolest person ever! :)

It's been a while...

OK, so it has been awhile since my last post. Whoops! :) Everything has been going pretty well on the new medication. I started it almost 3 weeks ago, and haven't had any anxious moments. But, I haven't felt amazing either. I think I was hoping that once I started the new medicine, I'd feel so fantastic and worry-free. The doctor said I would feel better after a week of taking the new medicine, but I feel pretty much the same way as when I was on the old medicine, minus the side effects. We leave for vacation next Sunday, which includes a 14-hour car ride to Florida. So, I guess that will be a big test. I'm supposed to go back to the doctor on Thursday to check in. I might ask her about increasing the dosage to 20mg just in case. I'm nervous that I'm going to get anxious during the car ride to FL, and there won't be anything I can do about it. But hopefully that won't happen. Positive thoughts!

My friend asked me to read at her wedding. I'm glad that I get to be a part of it now. She said since I was such a big part of her life, she wanted me to be involved. Everyone can't believe I'm doing it. That's part of the reason I'm determined to do it. I know everyone thinks I'm this shy, nervous girl...which I am. But I want everyone to see that I can do this. I feel like it isn't a big deal, but everyone around me is making it a big deal by asking if they're sure I can do it. I'm sure I'll be fine. And I do really want to be a part of her day.

Guess that's it. This next week will be spent getting ready for Florida. We are going to the Harry Potter park and SeaWorld. We're bringing my doggy, so I won't have to worry about her being at home. Fingers crossed no anxiety attacks!! :)

Checking In

Quick check in :) Everything's still been going really well. Haven't felt anxious or nervous for a couple of days. I'm on my third 37.5mg day...almost done! I've been sleeping a lot...I'll go to bed around 11:30/midnight, and I'll still wake up a couple of times during the night. But then I'll sleep until 11:30am! That's very, very late for me to sleep. Usually I wake up around 9:30 on the weekends...but maybe my body just needs the sleep! I'm not going to complain if it's the only side effect I'm having from lowering the dosage of my medicine. Only 4 more days until I start my new medicine! :)

Rosie

Two posts in one day...a new record! I was looking through my old Facebook profile pictures and saw one of my first dog, Rosie. We got her when I was seven. I loved that dog so much. We had her for 14 wonderful years. At the end, she had to wear a baby diaper because she peed everywhere all the time. The only way we could keep it on her was to put her in a baby onesie. It sounds awful and it was probably so selfish and unfair to her because I know she didn't like it. But we just wanted to keep her for as long as we could. I still remember the day we decided to put her to sleep. I remember that the last thing I ever said to her was that I loved her so much. I went to work that day because I couldn't bear to be at home. I remember calling the house around 2pm and my dad answered, saying that my mom and sister had taken her. I could tell he was crying - it was the only time I've heard my dad cry. I don't know why I got so emotional thinking about her tonight. I guess it's the whole meds thing. Tomorrow will be 2 years and 7 months since she's been gone.

Here's a picture of my girl.

My mom and I got tattoos the day after we put her to sleep. It was her first, my second. It's a heart with a rose through it. I like to think every time it itches, she's thinking of me. :)



I won't ever forget her. I know people might think it's weird to be like this over a dog, but I considered her to be a member of my family and I'll always miss her.

Day Seven

Whoops, missed Days Five through Seven :-O I haven't really felt like writing anything. But I'm still going pretty good. After work on Tuesday, I got anxious driving home and just started crying. I was exhausted because I didn't sleep well Sunday night or Monday night. I think I was just psyching myself out more than anything. I felt like I couldn't get enough air even though I had the AC blasting. It felt like it took forever to get home, and of course when I did my face was all red from crying. My mom kept asking me what was wrong and I just didn't feel like talking. She thought I was nervous about being nervous. I felt better after a little while. I started beading to take my mind off of it. Yesterday and today have been fine. Tonight is the first night I start taking the 37.5mg Effexor. I'm out of Lunesta, too...so hopefully I'll sleep alright tonight.

I'm so glad that this week went by without any major problems. I figured I'd get a little bit anxious from time to time, but I'm thrilled I didn't get sick or have any of the symptoms I read about online. I'm never Googling anything about health again! I think you just read people's worst case scenarios. Only one more week until I start my new medicine! And one month until vacation with my family!! :)

Day Four

I didn't post for Day Three because it went much like Day Two did...still felt pretty good, with some twangs of anxiety, but overall it was okay. I had to work today so I was debating whether or not to take a Lunesta last night. I ended up taking it around 9:00 and had a hard time falling asleep. I don't think I fell asleep until a little after midnight. I slept horribly...up and down all night, tossing and turning...and I woke up around 5am and couldn't really get back to sleep. So today I am extremely tired. I don't even feel like drinking my coffee though. Usually I have about a cup and a half a day...today I probably haven't even finished one. I can feel myself getting anxious while I'm sitting at my desk...I don't know if it's from just being tired or what. I've been trying to keep myself busy, but my boss leaves for court soon and it will be a quiet afternoon. Hopefully it won't get any worse. I'm already dreading stepping down to the next dose, and that isn't even until Thursday night. Keep your fingers crossed that I make it through today in one piece!!

Day Two

It's 9:30pm on Day Two of my tapering. I didn't wake up until 11:45 today!!! I couldn't believe I slept so long...that Lunesta might work a little too well. I still felt pretty good today. I've had a little bit of a headache, but that could be from allergies. Later in the afternoon, I could start to feel myself getting a little jittery. I had a couple of moments of lightheadedness and I could feel my hands start to get shaky, but it would go away pretty quickly. I just took my Lunesta for the night so I'll probably go to bed soon. I feel like a grandma going to bed so early, but if it will help me to not feel anxious, it's worth it. Hopefully things will continue to go well! See ya tomorrow :)

Day One

It's 4:20pm on Day One of my tapering process! I took a 75mg Effexor and a Lunesta last night before I went to bed. I only woke up once during the night (because I kicked the remote off the bed) and woke up for the day around 9:30. I didn't feel any different...a little tired, but that was probably from the Lunesta. I took a nap at around 12:30 and woke up at 2. Other than being tired, I don't really have any of the withdrawal symptoms I read about on the internet (Thank God!). I hope this continues...I have a feeling that once my brain realizes it's not getting what it's used to getting, it might get a little angry! But, so far, so good! Will check in tomorrow! :)

Update

I went to the doctor today to talk about changing my medication. Since I had to wait so long for the other appointment, I went to the office that my mom goes to and saw a new doctor. She was super nice and I'm very glad I made the change. She's going to wean me off the Effexor over the next two weeks. Right now I'm taking 150mg. For the next week, I'll take 75mg, and the week after that, I'll take 37.5mg. I can't start until Thursday night because the pharmacy I go to had to order some tablets so I could cut them in half (I currently take capsules). After I finish the 37.5mg week, I'll start taking 10mg of Lexapro. This was actually the first antidepressant I took. I started it right before I went to college. I'm not sure if I was on it long enough for it to do its job, so we'll try again. If 10mg doesn't work, maybe I can up the dosage to 20mg. The doctor also gave me an rx for Lunesta for the next week. She said it will help me sleep, and the more sleep I get, the less anxiety I'll have while coming off the Effexor. She said I'd probably have some increased anxiety and trouble sleeping and might be nauseous. Compared to what I read on the internet about some people's withdrawal symptoms, these sound pretty tame. So, I'll take my first decreased dose of Effexor on Thursday night and we'll see how I feel on Friday!

Changing medication

I've decided to change my anxiety medication. I've been taking Effexor XR for around three years. I don't think it ever really worked 100% because I have still had anxiety attacks while on the medication. I just thought the hassle of changing meds wasn't worth it. But I think I've startd having some side effects from being on it for so long. For the past year, I haven't had a lot of energy, I've taken a lot of naps, and I've had headaches and haven't been able to sleep at night. I've had bloodwork done, and everything was normal, so I'm thinking it might be from the Effexor. I'd like to make the switch to a different medication before my family goes on vacation this year. I've read about the withdrawal symptoms people have had when getting off of Effexor, and they sound so horrible. Many people have had "brain zaps" where they feel like they're being shocked every time they move their head. I'm hoping that by switching to another medicine rather than just going off of it cold turkey will curb the withdrawal symptoms somewhat. I'm sure I'll be a raging bitch for the next couple of weeks. I couldn't get an appointment with the doctor until June 14th, but hopefully there will be a cancelation before then and I can get in to see her. I hope getting on a new medicine takes away the side effects from the old one. And I hope it doesn't cost as much to refill, too. ;)

Success

I would say that my Friday was pretty successful in terms of keeping a cap on my anxiety. I didn't sleep well on Thursday night, but I generally don't sleep well if I know I have to get up super-early the next day. We left the house for the funeral by 7am. We got to Manassas a little early, so we went to Panera's to get something to eat and drink. I had never been to a funeral before...I'd been to a gravesite ceremony for my great-grandparents, but hadn't been to any kind of memorial service. My mom told me not to have some kind of emotional outburst during the funeral. Cue my anxiety! I was afraid I was going to have some kind of weird emotional response to everything...like I would start laughing or bawling hystertically. I made sure that I ate and drank something so I wouldn't feel like I was going to faint or something. Once we got there, I told myself to suck it up because today wasn't about me, and this family is going through something a million times harder than a little anxiety. The service was sad and I did cry, but kept myself pretty composed.

Meeting everyone back at the house was pretty awkward. I don't keep in close contact with most of the people there anymore, and kind of hung around with my mom. I always enjoy talking to my mom's friends though. They've always been nice to me and my mom and they crack me up. So I mostly hung around with them and my mom while we were there. My mom dropped me back of at Panera's so I could wait for my sister to pick me up and take me to the graduation party. I had to sit in there ALL BY MYSELF for an hour!! I brought my book so I could read, and I got a bagel and a drink to keep myself occupied. She picked me up and we went to the party, which I thought was pretty fun. I wasn't nervous at all and there weren't too many people there. They had really good food and a keg, so I was happy. I only had one beer and a shooter because we still had a 2 hour ride back home...which ended up taking 2 and a half hours because of traffic and thunderstorms. By the time I got home, I was sooooo tired. It had been a very emotional day...but I was glad that I was able to get through it without an anxiety attacks and I had a good time at the party.

So, another little victory for my list. I'm already thinking of what I can do next to get out of my comfort zone a little bit. I'd like to start spending the night away from my house more often. Maybe I can rope my sister into taking some little trips with me when we don't have work this summer. I would start staying some nights at my sister's apartment, but she's moving back home. We'll see what happens in the next coming days and weeks...I want to take every opportunity I can get to continue to have these little successes.

Weekend plans

I have some big plans this for this weekend. My best friend from high school's grandma passed away this past weekend and I am going to Manassas to go to her funeral. It will probably be awkward because we don't really talk anymore and she didn't ask me to be in her wedding. We've never talked about the fact that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid - it's kind of like the big purple elephant in the room. But I feel like I need to go because I knew her grandma and I know that this is a difficult time for the whole family. I want to be the bigger person and show that I still care about their family even though we don't really speak.

That same day, I am going to a graduation party for a friend of my sister's. She's graduating from college and she's having a party at her house. My sister will be there, and a few of her friends that I know, but everyone else will be strangers. I always get a little nervous about going somewhere where there are a lot of people. I'm not the biggest fan of meeting new people, but I'm going to suck it up and be my most charming self. :)

I e-mailed today with one of my girlfriends from high school. I miss her so much...she has always been a good friend to me. She had a baby girl a few years ago (she's the CUTEST little girl!) so we've kind of lost touch and I haven't seen her in a long time. But we are planning a girl's weekend with another one of our friends. I'll blog about it when we actually HAVE a weekend set. :)

So, big days ahead. I'm not feeling anxious about going to Manassas right now. But, I'm sure the day of will be a little tough. Being around a lot of people isn't a fun time for me. But I'm going to go with a positive attitude and a smile on my face. This weekend WILL be another little victory I can add to my list.

One Day You Will

One Day You Will ~ Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Little Victories

After my mom read my blog post, she said I should focus more on my "little victories" rather than focus on the negative things. Maybe thinking about the things that I've done without anxiety recently would give me more confidence when it comes to trying new things.

• Moving to Richmond was a huge change for me. I had lived in Manassas my entire life. But I knew that I would have my family with me and be closer to my sister. I had to leave my hometown and start classes at a brand new, HUGE university where I didn't know a single person other than my sister. But, I did it without having any panic attacks. :)
• I applied to pharmacy school and was called to come down to MCV for an interview by some faculty members. I was soooo nervous, but didn't get sick the night before. The day of the interview I drove downtown (which I had never been to before) and found my way to the MCV campus. I had to introduce myself in front of all the other interviewees and write an essay on the spot. Then, I met with a faculty member and an alumnus of the pharmacy school for an interview. I knew when it was over that I totally bombed it...I knew that I just sounded like an idiot. I was supposed to have another interview with two more people after that one, but I started crying after the first one because I had messed it up so bad. I totally just up and left...I didn't want to go into the next interview when it was so obvious that I had been crying. So when they called me to find out what happened, I faked sick. But they invited me to come back and finish the interview. Which I did. I didn't want to go back at all, but I knew that I had to finish what I started. I didn't get into pharmacy school, but I was glad that I went back and finished the interview.
• I am definitely NOT a good traveler...I don't like being in the car for long periods of time, and I don't like being away from my house and my bed. But I went to New York City with my mom and sister without having any anxiety. I drove most of the way there and most of the way back. I slept fine and had a really great time. I know that if I was able to relax like I did on this trip, I'd have lots of good times!

So, those are some little victories I've had in the past two years. It's hard to focus on the things that go well when the things that don't go well weigh so much more heavily on your mind. But it's important to remember that I CAN do these things. The more things I can do without anxiety, the more confidence I'll have when I have to do things that make me uncomfortable. I need more confidence so I can step out of my comfort zone more often. Hopefully more little victories will be on the way!!

Do one thing every day that scares you.

My name is Ashley and I have a panic disorder.

I'm a 23 year old recent college graduate living in Richmond, VA. I moved to Richmond last June after living in Manassas, VA for my entire life. I had lived in the same part of town since I was 2 years old. I had the same family, the same friends, even the same dog for most of my life in Manassas. I grew up with a sister that was only 15 months younger than me. We were inseparable as children and barely tolerated each other as teenagers. My parents and I have always been very close; my mom and I especially. My mom also has a panic disorder.

My first experience with a panic attack was not an attack of my own. When I was very young, my mom had panic attacks. I had no idea what they were at the time - I thought she was just sick. Her panic attacks lead to her throwing up most of the time. The first one I can remember was bad enough that my grandparents came to our house to watch my sister and I while my dad took my mom to the hospital. My sister and I were scared and crying because we didn't really understand what was going on. But Mom came back home soon after that and everything was fine.

I never wanted to go to school on the first day. I cried and threw up on most of the first days of school that I've had - including those in college. Being away from my mom for 6 hours seemed unbearable when I was young. However, once I got past the first day, I was always fine. I did well in school and had a lot of friends. I went to the same elementary school with the same kids from kindergarten until the 6th grade. Some first days of school were easier than others, but there was usually some type of anxiety involved.

My first full-blown panic attack came when I was about 6 or 7. My sister and I were going to go to 4-H camp at the fairgrounds during the summer for one week. It was only 3 hours a day, and a bunch of other kids that we were friends with had been going for a couple of years. When we arrived at the fairgrounds, my sister and I checked in with our counselor and my mom kissed us goodbye. I remember sitting down with all the other kids and I wanted my mom so badly. I looked to the end of the barn and she was standing there, making sure we got situated and everything. I just started bawling and ran over to my mom and wrapped my arms around her legs. My sister was right behind me. My mom told us it was okay, and that it would be fun and we would be fine. She walked us back to our seats, but I felt like I just couldn't stay there. I ran back to my mom and cried and cried. This time, my sister didn't follow me. She began to calm down and realized that she would be okay and it would be fun. But I just somehow could not see it. I didn't want to be away from my mom - three hours seemed like an eternity to me. One of the counselor's even offered to stay with just me for the day. But I would not let go of my mom. She took me home and we tried again the next day, which resulted in me throwing up in the parking lot. My mom brought me home and told me for the three hours that my sister was at camp, I would be in my room. That week came and went, and after it was over, my sister and I continued to play outside every day with our neighbors for the rest of the summer.

Going to middle school wasn't horrible, and I don't remember having any anxiety during it. Starting high school was nerve-wracking, but I knew the same people I was going to middle school with would be the same people I'd be going to high school with. I became best friends with a girl in the 7th grade that would be my best friend through college. I ran track in middle school, and cheerleading and swimming in high school. I wasn't the most popular girl, but I had a lot of friends. My senior year of high school was awesome - I had a group of around 12 people that I hung out with every Friday and Saturday night. We all went to prom together, we went on trips together, and went to the beach for Beach Week together.

Senior year of high school meant deciding where you were going to go to college. I wanted to go to Christopher Newport University since I visited it. The campus was beautiful, it was small, and it was next to the beach and about 2 and 1/2 hours away from home. However, my three best girlfriends had decided to go to Radford University, which was 4 hours away from home and a little bigger. I had been to Radford before and didn't really fall in love with it like I did with CNU. Even though I knew I wasn't going to college with my best friends, I was still very excited in the beginning. I was going to be roommates with a girl that I met through friends. She was so nice and we got along really well together. We hung out a couple of times before we left for school and went shopping with our moms for dorm room stuff. I think after my first trip shopping was when it hit me that I wasn't going to be living at my house anymore. I wouldn't see my parents and my sister every day. I would be doing things on my own, making my own decisions, going to class without anyone telling me to. I got so overwhelmed by the whole shopping experience that I just bawled like a baby on our way home. I wanted to go to college so bad so prove that I could do it...that I could be on my own and be successful. Unfortunately, this episode was only the start of my disastrous college "experience."

I left for school before my friends. I was glad, because then I didn't have to wait around and miss them while I waited to leave. The night I said goodbye to my girls was just unbearable. It was especially hard saying goodbye to my best friend. We had seen each other almost every day for 6 years. We did EVERYTHING together...we worked together, got tattoos together...we even got our first kisses on the same weekend! I didn't know how I was going to live without her. But, I said goodbye to my friends, and we all cried and hugged and said we'd see each other soon. We promised we would call and IM every day. As horrible as saying goodbye to my friends was, I knew it was going to get worse because I still had to say goodbye to my family.

The night before my parents were going to drive me down to school, I freaked out. I got so nervous and overwhelmed by everything. I started shaking and crying and I told my mom that I couldn't do it, that I didn't know what I was thinking going to a school that was over 2 hours away. My mom told me that it was my decision, and that if I decided I didn't want to go, I had to go and tell my dad. I knew it wasn't an option not to go. Everyone, including me, wanted me to go. I was sick and cried the whole night. My mom had to sleep in the bed with her 18-year-old daughter because she didn't want to go to school.

But, we left the house at 5am the next morning with all of my stuff in the back of the van. I cried silently the whole way there. I remember wearing my sunglasses and trying to fool my parents into thinking that I wasn't. When we got there, my roommate was already there with her family and her best friend. I bought on my brave face and started putting stuff together. Every so often my eyes would well up with tears because I kept thinking that my parents had to leave soon. When my dad said they were going to leave, and I just started bawling. I didn't want them to go. I wanted to grab my mom's arm and not let her leave. But they did, and when I was alone in my dorm room, I cried.

The first couple of days weren't so bad...we were always busy because we were going to events for Welcome Week. Then classes started. I've always been a great student and I enjoy learning new stuff and getting good grades. But I had zero desire to go to any of the classes I had registered for. But I went to my classes on the first day and got through them. I didn't want to do any homework (which had never been a problem for me before). The nights were the worst. I remember my roommate went out with some of her friends from high school and she asked if I wanted to go. But I told her no, that I had a headache. But I really just didn't want to leave the room. I missed my family and my friends so bad. We had talked on IM all the time and I knew I wasn't missing anything back at home. But I just wanted to be there. On the 7th day of being at school, I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home. I just couldn't stand being away from my home and my family and everything I knew. I felt like a complete and utter failure. My mom told me they would come pick me up at the end of the week, but I couldn't even wait that long. I told them if they didn't come get me the next day, I would pack a suitcase and get on the bus.

Telling my roommate was awful. She was nothing but nice and I think we could have been really good friends. She didn't understand why I was leaving...I know she missed her parents and her friends too. But I just felt like if I spent one more minute there, I would die. My parents came and got me the next day. We packed up all the stuff we had just unpacked a week before. My dad didn't speak to me. I had lost 10 pounds in 8 days because I hardly ate while I was there. The ride home was awful, but I also felt relieved. I knew I would be going back to everything I knew.

It didn't really hit me until I was back in my old bedroom that I had no idea what I was going to do. For days, I just laid around and did nothing. My mom told me that that wasn't gonna fly. She said I was either going to go to school or I was going to find a job. I had thankfully applied to and was accepted by a university about 40 minutes away from my house. We drove there, explained the situation, and I was registered for three classes by the end of the day. I refused to take any classes at the main campus, which had about 20,000 students. I took classes at the "campus" that was 5 minutes from my house and across the street from the job I had worked at during high school.

I felt like the worst person ever. I let everyone down, including myself. Having to explain to everyone why I decided to leave Christopher Newport was horrible. I was so embarrassed because people just didn't understand. I wish that I had decided to commute to school in the first place. Today, I honestly believe that if I had never gone to CNU and had this whole disaster happened, I would be a completely different person than I am today. I had completely shut down. I didn't want to do anything except drive the 5 minutes to school, go to class, and drive 5 minutes home. That was my life for 4 years, although I eventually started taking classes at the main campus. However, I had panic attacks on the first day of every semester.

On the first day of one semester, I drove the entire 45 minutes to campus and couldn't get out of the car. I physically could not open the door. I turned the car around and drove right back home. I called my mom and told her I wasn't going to school, that I couldn't do it. I told her I'd work at the Freedom Center, where I worked during high school, 40 hours a week and be a lifeguard. My mom told me I was being ridiculous and that I was going to school. Today, I look back and I'm glad she kicked my ass into gear, because I couldn't be a lifeguard for the rest of my life. But then, it seemed like a cruel punishment. But the next day, I drove myself back up there and forced myself to go to class. And I did, and every day after that was fine.

I've had tons of panic attacks. I can't really remember not having them. There are so many things that I haven't done because of them. I was going to be a server at a restaurant, but the second day of orientation I threw up in the bathroom and walked out. I didn't sleep over at friends' houses because I was afraid I might have a panic attack. If I had been drinking and was out late, I'd call my mom or my sister and they would come pick me up at 2 in the morning just so I wouldn't have to spend the night.

I moved to Richmond in June of last year with my parents. I thought it would be a fresh start, an opportunity to be a different person. I wanted to be a confident girl who could smile at anything and anybody. I was going to start at a new, bigger university. I would be going to school with my sister who had just finished her freshmen year. I would be living near my best friend, who had moved to Richmond after college to live with her boyfriend. I was totally excited about it. The move went smooth and I had no anxiety about moving into a new house because I was doing it with my family. I thought the anxiety would just magically go away.

One of my best friends was going to get married in the Outer Banks, a beach in NC that I've been to many times. It's about 4 hours away from Richmond. I wasn't in the wedding, but I was going to go down to the beach the weekend of the wedding and stay with my friends. I could only go for 2 days because I was taking summer classes and couldn't miss any. I arrived on Friday and went to the beach with my friends. When we came back from the beach and everyone started getting ready for the night, I could feel the anxiety start creeping back in. As soon as that happened, I immediately wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there for another minute. I called my mom crying and she told me to just tell them I had a headache and lay down. The wedding was the next day, and the day after that I would be able to come home. I know my friends thought I was crazy because I didn't want to drink and have fun with them the night before the wedding. But I just couldn't...I laid in bed, crying until I fell asleep. The next day, we went to the wedding and it was beautiful and then we went to the reception. I was planning on staying that night as well, but by the time I got to the reception, I had told myself I was leaving that night. I stayed for the dinner, dancing, and cutting of the cake...but by 9:30 that night, I was on the road back home.

I've lost friends over this. I barely spoke to any of them after I left the wedding because I know they thought I was being ridiculous about being away from home for any length of time. They didn't understand the way I was feeling, and I don't blame them. I'd think I was weird, too. I mean, what kind of person doesn't want to see their friends and have fun? My best friend from high school is getting married in October. She didn't ask me to be in the wedding, and I know it's because of all the times I've cried about being away from home, or didn't go somewhere because I was anxious. It breaks my heart that I'm not going to be in her wedding. She has been a huge influence on my life, and the best friend that I have ever had.

I've been on medication for anxiety for years. I've been on several different kinds, and none have really helped. My anxiety has kept me from doing so many things. I still live at home with my parents because I haven't had the courage to move out. However, I am planning on moving to an apartment with my sister once she graduates from college.

There are so many things that I want to do, but feel like I can't because of my anxiety. So the purpose of this blog is to help myself get control over it. I know it won't ever go away completely, but hopefully I can get to the point where it doesn't influence my decisions. I've been to therapists before, but none have really helped. I'm thinking about trying to someone to talk to about my anxiety. It's very daunting, but if it will help, it will be worth it.

The title of this blog is You Must Do The Things You Think You Cannot Do. It's from my favorite quote: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'" That is my goal. I want to do everything that I think I can't. I want to be able to go out and have a good time and sleep over somewhere without worrying about having an anxiety attack. I want to go on trips and not wish I was back at home. I want to get a job, work 8 hours a day and make money so I can support myself. I want to make new friends and fall in love and get married. But right now, I'm just going to focus on the day-to-day. As Eleanor Roosevelt says - "Do one thing every day that scares you."

I'm definitely not a writer by any means - ask my sister. I had her help me on my college papers. :) But I thought that writing down my experiences and the way I felt would help me to conquer my fears. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this. It does feel good to put it out there for anyone to read, though...very liberating. I've always been a shy girl, and this is a way to express my feelings with some anonymity. I'll end this epic blog post here because this has gotten way too long and now you all know my life story. But I feel like this is a good first step. I've never written in any kind of journal before, and I don't really have any creative way to express myself. Hopefully this will help me be able to do that and track my progress. Every little bit counts. :)